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User blog:Haegemonia/"I'll Make a Man Out of You": The True Story Behind the Song
A few nights ago I was laying back on my couch, watching Disney movies, as I tend to do when I'm drunk on toilet wine, when I happened upon a particular musical scene from Mulan: I'll Make a Man Out of You Now, being the masterful critic that I am, I immediately surmised there was more to this song then met the eye; and, using my boundless tact and Aragon-level abilities of baseless deduction I have determined exactly what the song was about: Violent Homosexual Rape. Now, I know some of you may be on the fence on this one, but let me break down each line for you to give you what the songwriters were really trying to get across, so you can see what they had no doubt envisioned before Disney modeled it into a family-friendly song about sexism and racism. Scene: A group of men are sitting alone in a bar, when a crazed, effeminate man suddenly bursts in through the doors, singing. Let's get down to business To defeat the Huns ...What the hell are you talking about? What Huns? Did they send me daughters When I asked for sons? Wh- Okay... That's not creepy at all. You're the saddest bunch I ever met But you can bet Before we're through Mister, I'll make a man out of you ...Uh... What? Tranquil as a forest But on fire within Okay, uh, guys, I think this guy might be coming onto us or something... Once you find your center you are sure to win Oh sh*t. You're a spineless, pale pathetic lot And you haven't got a clue Okay, just start backing away slowly... Somehow I'll make a man out of you What are you doOH MY GOD HE'S TAKING OFF HIS PANTS RUN FOR YOUR GODDAMN LIVES! I'm never gonna catch my breath RUN! FLY YOU FOOLS!!! Say good-bye to those who knew me If I get raped and murdered just (*panting*)... Just tell my family I died- that I died in literally any other way... Boy, was I a fool in school for cutting gym Oh god, OH GOD HE'S GAINING ON ME This guy's got 'em scared to death F*ck, I tripped! Wait, where are you guys going!? Don't leave me! Hope he doesn't see right through me Ohmigodohmigodohmigod I've gotta hide somewhere Now I really wish that I knew how to swim Dammit, if I only finished those lessons at the Y I could just cross this lake to safety- Wait... What was that? (Be a man) We must be swift as the coursing river F*CK ME! HE'S GOT ME!!! (Be a man) With all the force of a great typhoon NO, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE! NOT THERE! NOT THERRRRAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE (Be a man) With all the strength of a raging fire PLEASE I'M BEGGING YOU STOP! WHY!? WHY!? Mysterious as the dark side of the moon Oh god, you're going to kill me and leave me in a ditch where no one will ever find me, aren't you!? Time is racing toward us till the Huns arrive (*Sobbing*) Wait... Are- are you saying your almost done? Please tell me you are... Please... Heed my every order and you might survive Oh god, I'll do anything, just don't kill me... Wait, oh god, don't tell me you're going to... JESUS CHRIST!!! (*Pained screaming*) You're unsuited for the rage of war (*Heavy sobbing*) So pack up, go home you're through (*Still crying*) So... You're done with me? You're done with me, right? I just want to go home... How could I make a man out of you? Wait... Oh sh*t, not again, NOT AGAIN- (*More horrifying screaming intercut with singing*) Category:Blog posts